The End is on the Horizon

I find that I am more afraid of returning to the United States than I was to come to Germany.  There are new things to think about, new opinions on the world and new friends that I will be returning with to the States. But I also have to go back to everything I have left behind. When I first arrived here I felt incredibly liberated because I could be whoever I wanted to be while I was here. The only things that could follow me across the ocean were those that I allowed to do so. My fears, my obligations, my attachments and my hang ups, everything about me was in America. I could build myself up to be whoever and whatever I wanted.

Now that period of liberation is coming to an end and I see a muddled mess of conflict waiting for me when I return. Here, all I had to worry about was work and my personal cultural experiences. When I return, there are applications for school, applications for graduation, scholarship applications, job applications, courses to take, continuing education decisions to be made, organizations to lead and a whole host of other things I do not even want to begin to consider. There are also my fears, my insecurities and my failures. It is daunting.

There is also the knowledge of what I am leaving. There will be no short bus rides into the town center for a Döner and bubble tea. There will be no more weekend trips to another country, no train rides across a beautiful landscape and no more intern friends with whom I can while away the night hours. Some part of me feels that America will, at first, seem painfully dull in comparison to a country that is nearly saturated in history. It is almost like spending a summer in the company of wise, old scholars only to return and find yourself surrounded by immature teenagers obsessed with the latest fad. This is not to say that the United States is better or worse, but it is a young country.

I did miss some things. I had never before realize what wondrous things water fountains could be, or non-carbonated water for that matter. I am certain that a trip to a restaurant will elicit in me the same amount of awe as a magic show might. Servers who appear out of thin air and are quick and friendly in catering to the needs of a customer, water for free, not to mention the novel concept of refills without cost. The sheer volume of food will surely amaze me as well. Pizzas made to serve a family and not just one. Drinks so big I could never hope to consume it all. And the vegetables! Blessed greenery to break up the ceaseless progression of meat and bread, a thing of beauty that I never thought I would willingly consume.

I will also be leaving this place with more things to consider. Mainly, continuing education. My educational career up to this point had been a matter of course. Elementary, middle, high school and college. That’s how it worked and what I knew I had to do, but beyond that is a great grey cloud of possibilities for happiness, success and failure. The guarantees and obvious courses of actions will soon be a thing of the past. I now enter an era where there is more than one “right” decision.

There is no need for me to get a higher degree as I can find a job, and one that pays well, with an undergraduate degree in engineering alone. From there it would be perfectly possible to climb the ranks and make a good living. I could also obtain a masters degree at the expense of whatever company I choose to work for and again further my chances for advancement and a variety of employment opportunities. Or, I continue the pursuit of my education and obtain a PhD and find a job, or conduct research or teach at a university. Success is frightening because it no longer has a definition and I do not have any particular dreams or passions to guide me on the path into the future, and this summer, if nothing else, has reminded me that the future is approaching, invariably, and I must be ready.